I love journaling, its something that I starting doing just a couple months back and has really helped me with getting things out that are on my mind. Growing up writing was something I loved doing, it was my way of expressing my feelings and not feeling trapped with them inside my head, I wrote songs, poems, stories etc. it was my passion but I found that I drifted away from it and was having the most difficult time getting back into it. I started my blog and was very passionate about writing again but would find myself in a writer’s block over and over again and it wasn’t until I started journaling that I started to get that passion and flow back.
Last week my coach had given me a bunch of journaling prompts to keep me on track with writing and expressing my self through words. One of those prompts was to write a letter to someone that is no longer here today and tell them how you feel and what you wish you could tell them..This one hit me hard and of course, I chose my dad as the timing could not have been more perfect. I experienced feelings I haven’t for a while or even possible feelings I just never let go, I cried I laughed and I smiled It felt like a weight on my shoulders was lifted that I didn’t even know was there. So, of course, I wanted to share it with you! this was such a powerful feeling to me and after 13 years I feel a connection that he never left, I feel a connection that he is looking over me and I would start to see little reminders that he was still there. I highly recommend trying out this journal prompt for yourself but just be ready to really go through some emotions and release a lot of feelings.
While I was writing this on my journal, it was during the week I would have spoken to him last so it is very deep, very personal, very emotional and could be a trigger to some.
Today would have been my dad’s birthday, a day I have learned to forgive myself for but felt it was the right time to put my letter out there and wish him a Happy Birthday as I never got the chance to before he left this world.
I’m sorry, I’m sorry for being so hard on you.. for saying all those awful words to you.
I’m sorry for not picking up the phone and apologizing or forgiving you for the mistakes you made that had me so upset.
I was upset because you deserved better, and were doing better with battling your demons. To hear about your accident and your injuries completely broke me. I would constantly picture it happening, you flipping your truck and smashing your face, losing all your teeth and leaving your skin bruised all black and blue. This was very haunting and traumatizing for me and would bring me to tears.
I told you I hated you, I had no love for you anymore and I told you I no longer considered you my dad…along with many more horrible things in the hope, this was a kick in the ass you needed. I said all of those things out of love and anger and I do regret it very much and I’m so so sorry for being that asshole that I was. I was scared of losing you and didn’t realize I was purposely pushing you away, but that’s what I was good at, running away from my problems and feelings.
Your Birthday arrived and I never called you. I was being selfish and thought I was teaching you a lesson when I was only hurting you more and driving you down the wrong road. Only until the past couple of years have I been able to let this go and forgive myself and to stop blaming me for what came next. I had no idea the last week of March would be the last time I ever talked to you… I never called you on your Birthday…today..so on this day I wake up and the first thing I do is wish you the happiest birthday and try to live the day celebrating you because in only a couple of weeks I would have lost you forever.
The news of hearing of your next accident only weeks later than your last was the most devastating and life traumatizing news I would ever receive. The world stopped, everything went dark and all I could do was scream, cry and blame myself.
I blamed myself for not being there for you when you needed someone the most.
I pictured your accident happening over and over again in my head, my version was you would be screaming gasping for air..screaming my name before the waters took you away. I blamed myself for the things I said to you and not calling you on your birthday or even after. I blamed myself for not being there for you and I blamed myself for your death.
I have grown now though, I was 18 at the time and now I am 31.. you would be so proud of me … and I know deep down that you are. I moved out of the small town, I kept the white stuff out of my nose like you asked, I worked on my self-image, found a good guy who wants the best for me and shows me more to life than partying. I Practice self-love daily, Worked on creating a positive mindset and I forgave myself for what I did, knowing you would have as well and wouldn’t want me spending my life blaming myself I really had no control over.
I was young and didn’t know any better and I know I should have let you be the parent and me the child. I will NEVER leave the presence or a phone call with someone without telling them I love them or just leaving on a positive note.
I honour you in any way that I can, In fact .. remember how we said we always would go to The Rolling Stones if they ever came … well, daddio they are…well, were coming to Vancouver, its currently on hold due to this crazy Corona Virus we are having which has cancelled all events and has put life on hold for a moment but when that starts back up and new dates are announced.. you know I will be there to honour you.
I appreciate when you visit me in my dreams. After 13 years I still cry.. but it’s a different cry.. a much less painful cry. I reminisce over the memories, your silly jokes and I laugh and smile, my heart starts to warm up. I don’t hate you, you are my dad and always will be, I can’t take back what I did or what I said but I can remember you, honour you and celebrate you and continue to live each moment with as much love and positivity that I can..
Happy Birthday <3
Until we meet again, Your little girl